I’m the most disorganized person I know. No, seriously. I lose stuff that I just had in my hands five minutes ago. I’ll forget things I’m going to say mere seconds after thinking them. It not only drives my wife mad, it drives me insane. And this blog isn’t exempt from those issues: It’s sad, but it’s gotten to the point that I can never remember what I have and haven’t reviewed. I’ve wasted time writing out entire reviews of things I’ve already critiqued, and also let other things slip through my fingers. I wasn’t going to let that happen with Millville Blueberry Pastry Crisps, in which a quick search of my blog archives revealed these had gone unreviewed.
And that’s it. That’s my intro. No real justifiable segue into the actual review…just some rambling. It was a true story, but a very boring, poorly-written one. Oh well, I can’t always be on my A-game.
Pointless story aside, pastry crisps are a good alternative to my other, more typical “breakfasts”. Usually I end up with toaster pastries, or some type of granola bar. They’re safe, easy choices that I don’t have to think about. And if you’ll remember from the first paragraph, using my brain isn’t always something I’m good at. All I do know is that the same ol’ same ol’ doesn’t take long for me to get bored with, so I opted for the relative unfamiliarity with pastry crisps. I mean, I’ve gotten them on several occasions, but in comparison to other snacks, I get these far fewer times than average. I was hoping they would inject some excitement into my daily life, like the ads for most food products insinuate.
Well, they didn’t. But although they might not be altogether entertaining, there is something different about the texture. I feel like this is something British people would eat. And they would refer to it as a “biscuit”. And I say that with literally no knowledge of British culture outside of internet memes and UK-based television shows. One thing I can speak to from experience: It seems almost a little too “refined” for us Americans.
This one is straightforward…a little too straightforward. I don’t think I really care for it; by the same token, I don’t hate it. The non-sweetness of the pastry, which is good, is combined with the non-sweetness of the blueberry. I suppose it provides a slight touch of sugar sensation, but nowhere near the level I was hoping for. It’s kind of a one-note flavor to me. Instead of working in tandem to create something new, the two tastes just kind of run into one another to create…nothing. There’s a slight bit of “tang” from the blueberry in the aftertaste, but by then, it’s too little too late.
Once again, these aren’t bad. I might get them again at some point down the road when I’ve forgotten just how…meh they are. There’s nothing memorable about them at all. They’re like the married couple that are so similar they never even fight, essentially combining them into one boring person. Nothing about the experience of eating one brings about even small amounts of joy. The “puffy” texture is a plus, and the icing does inject some of the missing sweetness into the pastry. Just not enough of it.
My other complaint, which is also true of the national brand: These things are small. Each individually-wrapped serving is a mere 0.88 oz. Yes, that’s not a mistake: under 1 oz. And each package carries two total crisps! The box does contain 10 total crisps, but again, that’s only five packs of two each. It’s not a horrible deal, but I like snacks that at least feel like they carry some weight. With these, I need to eat something else with them to feel satiated.
If you want a quick snack on the go, are averse to strawberry, and aren’t looking to experience any meaningful sensations of taste, I suppose you could do worse. Like the person you went home with from the bar two weeks ago, don’t expect to return to them ever again.
Overall: 5/10. These aren’t bad, they aren’t good, they’re just…there. The non-sweet pastry combines with the non-sweet blueberry to create a very unmemorable combination. Just like the couple you know that are perfect and never fight because they’re so similar. The icing provides a slight touch of sweetness, but leaves you wanting more…and not in a good way. I would maybe get these again a long way down the road; until then, the memory of eating these will remain buried under the heaps of other, better products I’ve tried.
