MARKETER #1: I have a great idea for a kids’ drink that I think will take the world by storm.
MARKETER #2: Really? What is it?
MARKETER #1: A flavored water beverage! Most kids don’t like drinking water so this way we can trick them into thinking they’re drinking juice, or something.
MARKETER #2: Brilliant! What’s it going to taste like?
MARKETER #1: That’s easy…what’s one taste that every child likes?
MARKETER #2: Uh…fruit punch?
MARKETER #1: No, think a specific product.
MARKETER #2: Uh…hot dogs?
MARKETER #1: No, think of…who would drink hot dog flavored anything?
MARKETER #2: Well every kid loves a good dog.
MARKETER #1: I’m talking something that would be the perfect base.
MARKETER #2: I don’t know…I give up.
MARKETER #1: (beat) Cough syrup.
MARKETER #2: (coughs) Excuse me? What?
MARKETER #1: Cough syrup.
MARKETER #2: What child likes the taste of cough syrup?!
MARKETER #1: What do you mean? I always have.
MARKETER #2: That’s because you inherited your mother’s Robitussin addiction. No other kid likes cough syrup…I used to want to stay sick just so I didn’t have to force it down.
MARKETER #1: We’ll see, Jackson….we’ll see.
The above reenactment has to have more (simple) truth to it than even I realize, because there’s really no other way to explain how something like this not only gets released into the market, but also how it gets marketed toward kids. KIDS, of all people…you know, those picky little things who always want something sweet or, at the very least, something that tastes good.
Hell, I hate water, and I’d gladly force down a gallon of it just to never have to see one of these pouches again. This is basically the kids version of La Croix, that maligned blend of club soda, with a hint of fruit so small, you’re basically better off just drinking club soda. The only difference is, they do seem to at least try making the shitty cough syrup flavor a little sweeter – you know, for the kids this is marketed toward – so there’s at least some mystical sweetness that was added to the “organic flavors” (that’s seriously a legal ingredient?) on the ingredients list.
We still tried to be good parents and, actually without trying it ourselves first, gave one to our child who made a disgusted face before saying, “I don’t really like that.” Neither do we, bud. Neither do we.
Overall: 0/10. I’ve certainly had worse-tasting products over the years, so perhaps a “zero” seems a bit harsh. Except that this product fails on just about every conceivable level. So, we have a water-based product that tastes like shit and is barely even sweet, so let’s market it to kids. Then, let’s slap an “organic” label on it so we can charge even more for giving kids the pleasure of trying to force it down (because, you know, adding organic lemon juice concentrate to filtered water instead of regular lemon juice makes such a fucking noticeable difference.) About the only reason I’d even think about keeping some on hand is as a form of punishment: “If you don’t calm down right now, you’re getting the berry water.” Hmm…maybe they were on to something after all.
